What You Need to Know about Swine Flu

If you want some advice on how the media suggests you prepare for swine flu, click here.

However, in case you hadn't noticed, the media has a tendency toward laziness and bias. So I decided to take the actual questions asked in this article and provide the true answers. Here we go:

"Q: How do I protect myself and my family?"

A: There is little you can do until the next Congressional election cycle in 2010. The Democrats who run Congress seem to have a particularly acute case of swine flu given their propensity for reckless and runaway pork. For now, try not to make too much money since it will doubtless be taxed at confiscatory rates. And drink plenty of fluids.

"Q: How easy is it to catch this virus?"

A: Outside of Congress, it seems that leftists, socialists, union leaders, MSNBC TV personalities, community organizers and Oba-Messiah worshipers are at greatest risk of infection. However, the virus has been known to attack spineless RINOs inside the Beltway. According to the CDC, one theory on how the virus has spread so rapidly is prolonged exposure to hot air and hob-knobbing in the Capitol Building cafeteria, attending White House press briefings, and getting within spitting distance of Speaker Pelosi.

"Q: In Mexico, officials are handing out face masks. Do I need one?"

A: At this point, it is recommended that you use a mask when you travel inside the Beltway, a particularly hot spot. Or if you are considering a run for public office. It's safer to avoid close contact with a likely host (see partial list of categories above) but if you can't do that, CDC guidelines say it's OK to consider a mask — or plug your nose and turn up your iPod.

"Q: Is swine flu treatable?"

A: Yes. If you suspect you might have been exposed to swine flu, it is recommended that you immediately begin a heavy dose of Ronald Reagan speeches in print or audio form. If you fear your Members of Congress have been infected, write them urgently and encourage them to seek treatment lest they be voted out of office.

"Q: Is there enough?"

A: Yes, but if you don't have easy access to President Reagan's speeches, you could begin a course of conservative talk radio treatment.

"Q: Should I take Tamiflu as a precaution if I'm not sick yet?"

A: What, you really think some drug will help you?

"Q: How big is my risk?"

A: It depends. If you are a taxpayer, you are at low risk to catch swine flu but are certainly most likely to be affected since you will be footing the bill for others. That disadvantage is balanced by the amount of pork that comes to your district. So, for example, if you are a taxpayer in Kittanning, PA, in the district of Rep. John Murtha, D-PA, your poor representative has been infected for years. However, your community previously received $300,000 of a renovations at the Belmont Complex, a county-run public swimming pool and ice rink center. And you probably only paid a few pennies for it. On the other hand, if you are a taxpayer in the district of Rep. Mike Pence, R-IN, your representative is healthy but you don't have any goodies to show for it. And you paid for a nice ice rink in western PA.

"Q: Should I cancel my planned trip to Mexico?"

A: Why in the name of all that is good and righteous would you ever travel to Mexico? Cancel it and see part of America instead.

"Q: What else is the U.S., or anyone else, doing to try to stop this virus?"

A: Unfortunately, the Obama Administration seems to be directly encouraging the spread of the virus. It is likely that we will see more porkulus packages in the future. Government servants have an especially difficult time healing from swine flu. If you attend any tea parties, however, you might discover that many fellow attendees actually have some good ideas about stopping the virus, though you'd be hard pressed to hear that from the MSM.

"Q: What are the symptoms?"

A: A spending fever, deep desire to bring money and pork home and pay off those campaign contributors, doublespeak, strong urge to secrecy and voting for spending bills without reading them, a "D" mysteriously appearing after your name, haughtiness and extreme pride, and malodorous and often painful gas.

"Q: Is there a vaccine to prevent this new infection?"

A: Yes. It's called small government, low tax, Bill of Rights, Ninth and Tenth Amendment, originalist interpretation, pro-US military, anti-terrorist conservatism.

"Q: How long would it take to produce a vaccine?"

A: One can be produced as quickly as November 2010.

"Q: What is swine flu?

A: Pigs spread their own strains of influenza and every so often people catch one, usually after contact with the animals." In this case, Democrats in Congress and President Obama caught the virus by directly suckling the tits of the federal government sow, i.e. your wallet.

"Q: So is it safe to eat pork?"

A: By all means, eat pork. Just buy it yourself instead of relying on your congressman to bring it home to you.

"Q: And whatever happened to bird flu? Wasn't that supposed to be the next pandemic?"

A: Swine flu is merely a mutate strain of bird flu caused by the excessive, obscene and drunken spending spree of those turkeys back in DC.

So there you have it. The bottom line? Elect true conservatives, you'll cure swine flu by eliminating pork-barrel projects, and bird flu by voting the turkeys out of office.