The Cautionary Tale of the Costly Crappers

“It’s a toilet, what else do ya wanna know?”

Well, not quite. Butch Behn of Tenino, Washington is being coy when he downplays his classy new commodes. They actually have quite a story.

If you’ve taken the “Seattle Underground Tour” you’ll know that plumbing has played an important role in the city’s history. With the arrival of the “water closet” Seattleites could flush with their more sophisticated cousins in the east. However, the local sewer system had a tendency to flow both ways thanks to the tides in Puget Sound. Imagine a toilet one minute, sewage fountain the next. A great fire in 1889 that burned much of the city also provided the opportunity for sewer modernization.

Fast forward about 100 years. Seattle is a thriving metropolis, a cosmopolitan port of entry with modern facilities and amenities. And one of the most liberal cities in the US. Seattle politics and city government are owned by liberal Democrats. How else to explain Rep. “Baghdad” Jim McDermott and virtually every mayor and city councilman coming from the left? Republicans have not had a controlling presence in the city since the 1980s. Conservative locals identify Seattle as existing “behind the Emerald Curtain”.

Thanks to growth, industry and positive media coverage, Seattle is a world leader. But, like all cities, it still struggles with urban problems.

Apparently, one pressing problem in 2004 was adequate toilet facilities for tourists. Seattle’s solution? Buy 5 enormous, shiny, stainless-steel self-cleaning toilets for $1 million each and install them at popular tourist locations for people to use for free. Tourists would appreciate the extra facilities and city leaders figured they’d get the added benefit of the homeless using the toilets to relieve themselves instead of alleys and parks.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, once the costly commodes were installed, they quickly became popular with [surprise!] drug users and prostitutes. Self-cleaning, free toilets large enough for two sure beat crack houses and hourly-rate motels. Seattle’s outstanding outhouses had become the butt of jokes, just the latest classic liberal spending boondoggle.

Four years later, city leaders put the toilets up on eBay and eventually sold them to Butch Behn—for $12,549. Of that amount, the city recovered about $10,000. In other words, Seattle’s $5 million investment failed to serve its designated purpose and created additional, more serious problems than the one it was supposed to solve. Oh, and the city recovered a meaningless two-tenths of one percent (0.2%) of the original cost.

When we conservatives rail against runaway government spending, we don’t do so just to gainsay liberals. We do it because we believe government at all levels should spend less overall and the money government spends should be targeted to the issues government is in the best position to solve. We also believe people are enterprising enough to find a toilet to use on their own.

Back to Butch Behn. He recently installed a couple of his new toilets as a novelty item at his South Sound Speedway in time for this year’s racing season. Now the shiny crappers will be preserved by a local capitalist entrepreneur. Monuments to government waste and excess in service to Puget Sound race fans, a suburban/rural demographic that doubtless would have opposed the toilet project had they lived in the Big City. Congressional Democrats and President Obama should take note.

Behn’s son Nick summed it up this way: “Everybody’s gotta take a dump in a million dollar toilet.” Unfortunately, thanks to runaway liberal spending, we’ll all probably get that chance